Planned a study plan but failed to follow it faithfully as usual. What's new right. Unable to focus yet distracted with nothing. Tsktsk. 一堆語無倫次、不知所云的雜念。
Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to take up the film role this weekend. I still think it's good patience training, but it is eating into parts of my weekend in dubious sections. Rationally I should not have taken it up indeed, but I'll have to admit it wasn't too easy to reject, with the given terms. No conditions though, purely goodwill. But "Project Love" as my Loomie terms, their deadline is on the coming Wednesday, and I have unfortunately subjected myself to unnecessary stresses that do not originate from myself. As proven, none of the terms were fulfilled. What to do? STAD? Nah. Won't let it get to me.
My patience did not get better. My tolerance probably did. I can't deal with kids too well. And I've probably come to realize, that I'm no longer an "actor", and no longer have a self-identity of that. Just an ex-member of some drama club and some production crew. I still do think about my role, the script, scene progression, prior to performance, but I'm merely going through the motions. Acting like it's as a matter of fact. Maybe it's the cliche storyline, but maybe not either. Maybe I'm just calibrated. Maybe I don't know. Because I have no sense of this loss.
Things change. I guess... I'm faithful to my taste but not my commitments? I always order the same kind of food at eating places, but I don't frequent them. Same goes, I always draft up study plans which I never followed, not even once. I just do what I feel like and remember to do. I always loved drama and acting but I can no longer keep up, detached for other roles in life. Irony much?
The main task at this point in time for me, is probably to work hard and drag, yes drrrrrrrrrrrraaaaagg, my CGPA up. Yes I got back this terribly done mid-term test paper after queuing for 1.5 hours, few days back. Expected it but can't help to feel all jittery as the queue progressed, because we have to enter individually. The professor was nice about it, asked how the class was, and told me to pull my grades up. (That's university for everyone I guess, no more black-faced teachers nagging/screaming at you for poor grades.) It's not easy, for it is always faster to slip and fall than to grip and climb. But I'm pretty sure my parents did not send me to college to get Cs and D, or to major in hall.
As such, I better dig up my mind from the ground soon, and get later's filming over and done with...... Soon I hope, though it seems absolutely bleak with the kind of planning they have.